Modern parents seem caught in a quandary; can you simultaneously nurture self-esteem AND foster personal responsibility? Behavioral outcomes may depend on it.
Some parenting experts argue that the current trend of protecting child self-esteem by replacing, "you did something wrong," with "you made a bad choice," is more harmful than helpful.
If you are a fan of John Rosemond (traditional parenting expert), you know he is among this group. In his March 13, 2007 weekly column titled, "Children Should be Disciplined for "Bad Choices'," Rosemund asserts that parental characterization of misbehavior (or in the case of the Barbie Bandits, unlawful behavior) as a "bad choice" seems to suggest that the child not be held fully, or even partly responsible.
Writes Rosemond, "Doing something very wrong clearly justifies punishment. It is not at all clear what is justified when someone makes a bad choice. Talking usually ensues; a 'therapeutic' conversation that accomplishes nothing."
Following Rosemond's argument, it might be concluded that when parent's protect child self-esteem at all costs, they are likely to get overly narcissistic young people (rising rates of narcissism have been observed by researchers as measured annually using the Narcissistic Personality Inventory); or in worst case scenarios - Barbie Bandits (the coined name for the sunglasses wearing teens that robbed a Georgia Bank, in February 2007, smiling all the while).
So what's a parent to do? Is there a way to nurture self-esteem AND a sense of personal responsibility that guides kids toward good choices? The question concerns many more parents today than it did fifty years ago (we can thank, or curse, the 80's self esteem push for that). And the answer is yes.
If you choose the "bad choice" route:
- Help your children understand that they will be held (consistently) responsible for their choices.
Using logical consequences this looks like - bike is left outside, bike is stolen or gets rusty. Mom and Dad help child process disappointment, but Mom and Dad do not rush out to buy new bike - child saves for the purchase.
- Clearly state what is wrong with the "bad choice," and what you expect instead. Express confidence that the child can make better choices and restate the consequence that will follow if better choices do not.
Using logical consequences this looks like - child disregards the speed limit; child loses driving privileges for predetermined period of time. If behavior continues, driving privileges may be suspended indefinitely.
- Don't stop at talking - create "opportunities" that help children see the real consequences of a bad choice. For example, speeding can result in accidents and increased insurance premiums. Child may make amends by paying cell phone bills, having allowance reduced, or forfeiting a trip.
Holding children responsible for bad behavior need not hobble budding self-esteem. You can achieve a balance between nurturing esteem and personal responsibility by using consequences that are firm and fair; and by not resorting to shaming, belittling. Remain matter of fact in attitude as you consistently deliver logical or natural consequences that encourage future good choices.
