Bullying hurts.
Victims of bullying are likely to be depressed and anxious. Often they feel very alone. Sometimes they become suicidal, even at very young ages. The dangers presented by bullying are very real.
Bullying is repeated, intentional, aggressive behavior by the strong against the weak. Physical bullying involves an imbalance of size or strength. Verbal bullying involves an imbalance of power in the peer group's social pecking order. Children cannot deal with bullying on their own. They need the help of adults.
Identifying the Victims of Bullying
Bullying rarely takes place in the presence of adults, and its victims may be too embarrassed, disheartened, or frightened to tell – especially when the adults in their lives discourage "tattling." Parents and teachers should encourage children to talk about the problems they may be having with other children. Only in that way can patterns of abuse be recognized.
Since bullying often goes unreported, though, adults should be alert for warning signs:
- Frequent sadness, with no immediately visible cause.
- Expressions of low self-esteem. Children who are bullied often come to feel they deserve mistreatment.
- Reluctance to go to school, or play outdoors. Some will look to violent TV shows or video games as a way of working out their anger and feelings of helplessness.
- Frequent unexplained illness, including headaches and upset stomachs. Although the "purpose" of these illnesses may be to allow the child to stay at home, the symptoms they report often are real.
- In extreme cases, there may be talk of suicide.
Talking to Children About Bullying
When adults suspect bullying and ask about it, sometimes the floodgates will open and complex tales of harassment will pour out. Other children, though, will be more hesitant. Those children need to be reassured that they will not be judged or disparaged, either for being victimized or for "telling on" other children.
- Be supportive. Encourage the child to express his or her feelings – with no feelings, however negative, out of bounds.
- Be careful not to blame the victim. Children do not provoke bullying – they are victimized because they are weaker, slower, fatter, less affluent, or because of other circumstances beyond their control.
- Empathize, and recognize the child's fears. Do not criticize the child's handling of the situation. Promise to take no action without first discussing it with the child.
- Get as many details as possible. Get times, places the names of those involved, a clear description of what was done, and the names of possible witnesses.
- Do not suggest that the child should ignore the bullying – that never works – and never, ever suggest that a child ought to "just hit them back." The bully will be larger and stronger and, contrary to popular fiction, will not be cowed and run away. The victim may end up hurt, humiliated, and suspended from school for fighting.
Taking Action on Behalf of Victims
Putting an end to bullying requires a team. Parents should enlist the aid of teachers and administrators when their children are being bullied, and teachers must be sure to advise parents when bullying episodes take place in school. Other adults, including coaches, Scout leaders, and school social workers or psychologists may be included.
A parent's first thought may be to make direct contact with the bully's parents, but that usually is a bad idea. The bully's parents are likely to become defensive, and families that raise young bullies probably lack the parenting skills to handle the situation correctly. Provide the school with all the information that was gathered, and let the school, with its greater authority, contact the bully's parents.
See also:
Bullying – Who Are the Bullies?
Bullying – How to Make It Stop
 |
