Catch Your Children Being Good
The Power of Positive Reinforcement
It is easy to catch your children behaving badly, but catching them being good and rewarding them with attention is powerful positive reinforcement.
How many times a day does a parent have to correct their children’s misbehavior with statements such as “Stop fighting,” “No more name calling,” “How many times am I going to have to ask you to take the trash out?”
For a parent, the number seems beyond what one can count. However, what if when a person was grown, what he or she remembered from childhood were statements from Mom and Dad like “I am so thankful you are ready for school on time,” “I really like it when you do your chores right away when I ask,” and “Because you and your brother are playing so nicely together, I brought you both some milk and cookies?”
Any parent can appreciate the sound of children happily and quietly playing, staying out of trouble. However, kids need and seek attention. If children get attention for desired behavior, they are more likely to resign themselves to such behavior, as their needs are being met. However, children who feel ignored or unattended will often go to any means necessary to get the attention they need. This is especially true for strong-willed children.
Positive Reinforcement
In behavior theory, positive reinforcement is the addition of a stimulus that follows a behavior and subsequently increases that particular response. This phenomenon is readily observed in the parent-child interaction. For example, if a parent responds to a misbehaved, attention-seeking child, the attention (even though it may not be the friendly kind) is likely to reinforce the child’s behavior.
Because bad behavior cannot be ignored, positive reinforcement for desired behavior becomes imperative (remember children will often do whatever it takes to get their needs met). So, how can parents, with all of the things they have to get done in one day, give enough attention to their children so as to foster positive behavior? The answer is simple: Catch your children being good and reward them for it.
Catching Your Child Being Good
It may take some time to cultivate this habit, however, when your children are displaying a desired behavior, stop what you are doing and let them now you appreciate their behavior. Adding a small treat (like the cookies and milk discussed above) for extra special behavior can be especially powerful.
Because so many people were raised with the idea that they should not have to be rewarded for doing what they were supposed to do, family therapists are often asked what types of behaviors should a parent reward. Here are a few examples of times one wants to catch a child being good:
- Children playing cooperatively together
- Sharing
- Acts of kindness or generosity
- Quick obedience (doing things immediately when asked without any argument)
- Demonstrating a positive attitude toward school or household assignments
- Taking initiative (doing things without having to be asked)
- Any behavior a parent wants to foster
Stock Your Home with Reinforcers:
Children most often will not work for what parents want (e.g. children who grow up to be strong, productive, pro-social members of society) but they will work for what they want. Keeping small items around the house to communicate to your children that positive behavior is important can be quite handy. Here are some items a parent may want to consider stocking in advance:
- Small hard candy (sugar-free if preferred)
- A child’s favorite type of pencil or pen (or other inexpensive supply)
- Stickers
- Quarters (or other coins)
- Gift Cards ($5.00 or less) or movie vouchers for extreme positive behavior
Transition from Consistent Reinforcement to Intermittent Reinforcement over Time
As bad behavior becomes less frequent and the positive behavior commonplace, it is important to decrease the frequency of reinforcement. However, some intermittent reinforcement needs to remain in place so as not to extinguish the good behavior. For example, parents may choose to only apply positive reinforcement every third or fourth time they catch the child behaving well, or they may rotate the behaviors they will reinforce at any given time. Any changes in positive reinforcement should be done gradually and only after a parent is certain the child has mastered a particular behavior.
Again, remember, children often will not work for what parents want, but they will work for what they want; they want, and need, Mom and Dad’s attention.
