Children are often the forgotten survivors of domestic violence.
When we think of domestic violence, it is typically women that come to mind. What we may not remember is that many of these women are also mothers. Thousands of survivors of domestic violence sit in classrooms each day; are learning to take their first steps, or planning for college. They are children.
When we consider that 1 in 4 women will be impacted by domestic violence in her lifetime it becomes painfully clear that thousands of children are also living with violence.
Child survivors of domestic violence may experience:
- Feelings of instability – never knowing when danger or conflict will erupt.
- Mixed feelings – loving and hating the batterer who is often alternately gentle and violent; even loving and hating mom for staying, or not being able to make the violence stop.
- Anxiety or discomfort around loud voices or other situations that could potentially mean danger.
- Difficulty in school or regression, such as with toileting
- Unexplained aches and pains such as stomachaches and headaches.
Child survivors of domestic violence need:
- To know the violence is not their fault.
- That anger is normal and okay, but violence is not.
- To know that whatever they are feeling, e.g. mixed feelings for the person being violent, is also normal.
- That they can talk to someone who will listen and take action as appropriate
- To be safe
Some moms living with violence face special parenting challenges. These include:
- Loss of leadership or authority with the children – the violent partner often creates a scenario that undermines the survivor and reduces or eliminates opportunities to engage in appropriate limit setting.
For example: a child may ask mom for permission to visit a friend. When mom’s response is, “you can’t go until your homework is finished,” the batterer may then say, “you don’t have to listen to anything that so and so says.” If mom protests, violence may follow.
- Protecting children from harm
- Teaching children how to respond if violence erupts.
Communities can help by:
- Working and speaking out against domestic violence
- Offering affirming, non-judgmental support to survivors
- Volunteering time and money to programs that work to end domestic violence.
If you are a mom living with domestic violence:
- Talk to a trusted friend or call a domestic violence hotline. These are usually available 24-hours a day
- Be patient with yourself. Leaving a violent relationship is a process; it takes time and planning. If people around you don’t understand, that’s their problem – not yours.
- Remember that violence is a choice. It has nothing to do with what you do or you don’t do. Domestic violence is about power and control, not bad days, bad moods or too much alcohol.
- Know that a bad circumstance doesn't make you a bad mother. Guilt can be paralyzing. Use that energy instead to plan.
