Coercion is Not Discipline
Santa as Leverage is Manipulation and Control
As the Christmas season rapidly approaches, shopping malls are brimming with silver and gold garland, wreaths, seasonal adornments and naturally, Santa Claus himself with his elves. Hundreds of Christmas shoppers search every retailer for that something special for their loved ones. Over the noise of the crowds from the public address system Christmas carols are played, but wait: You’d better not shout; You better not cry; Better not pout I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!
The lyrics of this seventy year old Yuletide song are telling children to suppress their feelings, says Janice Berger M.Ed., psychotherapist and family life educator. When asked about using coercion as discipline in an interview for the Era Banner newspaper, Ms. Berger said, “In this day and age we know beyond any doubt that this is a dangerous thing to ask. It is very clear that repression of some feelings may lead to neurosis or psychosis. "
Alice Miller, a renowned psychoanalyst, and author states in her book The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting [W. W. Norton, 2006], that the greatest cruelty that can be inflicted on children is to refuse to let them express their anger. Teaching children how to express anger in a positive manner is critical.
Using Santa as Leverage
This man with cheeks like roses and a nose like a cherry, this jolly man who has but only a kind heart to all children who visit him in our malls – does Santa have a hit list? According to several professionals, parents should refrain from altering the magical image a child has of this fictional person. Santa should not intimidate by resorting to bribes. What has happened is that Santa has become judge and jury rolled into one, weighing a child’s value, deciding if the child is worthy of punishment or reward.
It is so tempting for the busy or frustrated parent to seek immediate control over their child with the handy threat, "be good or Santa will not come".
Coercion is not discipline. Discipline comes from Latin meaning to teach. Discipline takes on many meanings to different people from punishment to guiding. Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary [tenth edition] has a definition that parents should embrace: “Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.”
Many parents look for threats through out the year to persuade their children. "Be good or you won’t go to your friends birthday party." "Smarten up or you won’t go on holiday with us." An ingredient to successful parenting is the ability to follow through with the threat issued. When a parent consistently does not follow through with threats then they are in for turbulent times in the future.
Correct the Behavior Positively
James Windell, a psychotherapist believes that closely related to physical abuse is the use of coercion. He claims in his book, Children Who Say No When You Want them to Say Yes [MacMillan Publishing Company, 1997], that children become angry with their parents and attempt to avoid them. Children also will react with deep hostility and sometimes a desire for revenge. Deprivations accomplish little or nothing in the way of positive behavior change. Parents who use force (physical or verbal) sometimes complain that their children are liars and are sneaky – both are natural responses when being coerced.
Parenting is not easy. In fact, many will attest that it is the most difficult job that a person will have in their life. There is no shame in seeking help. Thousands of books, magazines and internet articles for parents wanting to seek ideas are out there. Don't forget local libraries as they have a plethora of great parenting books.
Perhaps this Christmas parents should think about the harm that might be inflicted if using this infamous holiday jingle. Santa Claus is the central character of Christmas in the believing eyes of a child.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
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