Understand why toddlers are so defiant and how you can help them cope with their new-found emotions without losing control yourself.
Assertiveness is a key feature of toddlerhood. Your calm, happy baby has suddenly become a stroppy, moody mini expert in throwing tantrums. What is going on and how can we best deal with the 'terrible two's'?
Toddler Development
Firstly, we should remember that this is a completely normal part of growing up. Eileen Hayes, in her clear and straightforward guide Tantrums (Hamlyn,2003), explains how children between one and three years old strive for independence, resent outside interference and indeed may try to control their parents or carers. She describes ‘the human need to exert self-will and challenge authority, which is at its peak in toddlers.’ This is hardly surprising, given that life for them is all about exploring and learning where boundaries lie.
What are the Best Ways to Deal with Toddler Defiance?
Keep Calm
Expect conflict from toddlers. They do not have the skills to deal with the avalanche of new emotions and desires that they feel. You can do a lot to diffuse potential conflict by not losing your temper.
If you feel that you are talking to your child in an increasingly frustrated, irritable tone of voice, a useful trick is to say absolutely nothing for a short while. You can still communicate ‘no’ by shaking your head, or dress a protesting child in silence and show you mean business. It gives you a breather from arguing, and a chance to calm down. Don’t forget they will eventually learn from you how to process difficult emotions.
Toddler Discipline
It is very important that all toddlers learn that they cannot have everything they want. Just as death and taxes are unavoidable, so the youngster must learn that some things in life are absolutes. Accept that sometimes you will have to put up with an ear-splitting screaming fit as part of the toddler learning to accept the limits that you place on them. The key with standing your ground is to be consistent. This way, the quicker the child will understand behavioural boundaries and be less likely to test you as they get older.
Distraction
Having said no, take the child’s mind off their discontent immediately. Obviously you have to judge the situation – there is no point trying to distract an enraged youngster when all they need is to vent their frustration. Usually it is surprising how quickly they forget their complaint once you start pulling funny faces, doing animal noises, dancing etc
Offer an Alternative
When we as adults are disappointed, there is usually some consolation in an alternative. This is equally true for toddlers. For instance they may be not allowed to watch their Bob The Builder DVD this afternoon, but how about listening to an audio story instead? it is much easier fo bring a young child out of a tearful sulk with an alternative activity than hoping they 'just get over it'.
