Positive Parenting Use of Family Meetings
Teaching Children Cooperation, Communication, Problem Solving Skills
May 30, 2008
Effective parenting helps children develop social, communication, and problem solving skills. Family meetings are a positive discipline principle fostering growth in all these areas. Regular family conferences give children opportunities to experience teamwork, cooperating to find solutions to family problems.
Involve the Whole Family
Whether you are parenting teenagers or raising a preschool family, you will benefit from this parenting strategy. Children ages four and older profit from participation. Consistent use during the teen years diffuses tension and mitigates power struggles.
Regularity is Key
Hold family meetings on the same day each week. Let everyone know, through words and actions, that the meeting is the most important part of family routine. If you are inconsistently motivated, your children will not be keen to participate.
Each meeting develops effective problem solving and communication skills. Don’t allow problems to fester or alternately be forgotten. Preschool children benefit from more frequent meetings. Address an issue while your child still finds it relevant, has a fresh memory, and is motivated to find solutions.
The Family Agenda
A key component is the family agenda. Place a special notebook in a prominent place. The kitchen is often best. As situations arise throughout the week that are not readily resolved, family members write items down for the next meeting. Smaller children can dictate their concerns to an adult and even scribble on a page to feel included.
Family meetings effectively address a wide range of parenting concerns: chores, sibling rivalry, name-calling, backtalk, curfews, defiance, homework, television time, and many other issues. Include family business such as vacation planning, recreation, allowances, and coordinating schedules. Items can be as significant as a teenager caught sneaking out to drink alcohol or as mundane as picking a movie rental. Work together to find solutions.
Praise Before Problems
Start with each family member praising another for something done well or appreciated since the last meeting, focusing on effort not results. Although meetings address many discipline problems, even the most defiant children have good moments. Make a mental note when children exhibit socially acceptable behavior and allow them each a moment to shine during the family meeting. This fosters feelings of goodwill and cooperation by diminishing combativeness.
After expressing appreciation, discuss agenda items and last minute additions. Each person with an agenda item describes the problem. If another family member is involved, he or she is given an opportunity to voice a perspective. All family members offer solutions. The person who picked the topic selects the most practical, beneficial solution or solutions to put into practice.
Solutions Instead of Blame
Family meetings often run awry if the focus does not remain on solutions. The goal isn’t to assign blame, determine a punishment, or craft a logical consequence. For example, it doesn’t matter who started a fight between siblings that ended with hitting.
Help all involved concentrate on their personal responsibility for the outcome and develop problem solving and communication skills to achieve a better outcome in a similar situation. What could be said differently? How could a grievance be communicated respectfully? Would walking away prevent a fight?
Developing Leadership
Six year olds can effectively lead a family meeting after some experience. This is a vital opportunity to foster leadership skills. Allow the agenda to guide the meeting without excessive parental control. Try to be an equal participant. Don’t dictate solutions - you retain the right to veto suggestions not complying with family rules and values. Ask lots of questions and children will surprise you with creative, effective solutions.
This article is generally informed by the writings of Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series.
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