Do you find yourself resorting to yelling and mini-lectures in an effort to get your kids to follow simple instructions for daily living? Are your requests met with whining, crying, and shouts of resistance leaving both you and the kids frustrated? If this sounds familiar you may want to take a closer look at the type of voice you use with your children.
Show Children You are Serious with an Authoritative Voice
Have you ever wondered why it is that your kids don’t follow your request? It’s probably not because of their selective hearing or their inability to complete the task at hand. It likely has more to do with the type of voice you use.
In his August 22, 2008 article "Don’t Yell – Use the Voice of Authority", author and paediatrician Dr. Robert Needlman says when parents are serious about their requests “... they give commands, their voice gets slower, lower, and quieter. Their tone says, now I am telling you, not asking you.” This is referred to as an authoritative voice and if you don’t have one already you can create one.
Parenting Moments
Parents who haven’t found their voice typically are the ones cringing at the playground when their requests are ignored. You may have seen them becoming increasingly embarrassed as they coax their 5 year old down from the slide after repeated request to leave. Or maybe you have experienced such a proud parenting moment of your own. Don't despair, many parents have.
Likewise, perhaps you have caught sight of the happy-go-lucky parent whose kids get ready at her first request to leave a fun event. You may wonder what magic tricks she has up her sleeve. Is it ice-cream waiting in the car, a clown outside the restaurant, or could it be she just has found an authoritative parenting voice?
Show Kids You Like their Behaviour with the Voice of Approval
Not only does this parent probably have an authoritative parenting voice but she likely backs it up with consistency, calmness, and respect. In her book, Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know, [Hodder and Stoughton Ltd., 2006], Jo Frost tells parents how to use a voice of authority when speaking with children about poor behaviour. She suggests making clear distinctions in your play voice and your authoritative voice.
Frost also talks about using the "voice of approval" by letting your child know when you are pleased with her behaviour. Let her hear your voice of approval. Practice it often so she knows when she is doing something you consider helpful and cooperative. Every time your children listen to your requests, you can bring attention to their behaviour and practice your approval voice so that positive attention is given to cooperative behaviour.
Effective Parenting Techniques
In her book Kids are Worth It :Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline, [Somerville House Publishing., 1995], Barbara Coloroso talks about the "backbone family." In these families, parents use an authoritative voice with their kids and practice effective parenting techniques. Parents can practice using an authoritative voice that their children will learn to recognize and respond to. But first parents can follow a few simple but important rules themselves in order to be more effective:
- The voice should be consistent.
- This voice should be calm.
- The voice should have a firm tone so that Kids can tell the difference in your tone.
Kids hear the tone of your voice and take a cue from there as to your seriousness. “Please pick up your toys right now,” has a different tone from “pick up your toys for mommy please.” You should to be consistent. If you request that homework be done before TV then stick to the rule. If not it would be a suitable consequence for the child to lose TV privileges for that day. Also try to be calm. If your voice is raised and pitchy and you appear excited then your child will probably emulate this excitement.
Tips for Getting Your Kids to Listen
In your search for your authoritative voice be gentle with yourself. Most parents have yelled at their kids at some point in an effort to get them to comply with their wishes. Double check to see if you are meeting all of the following tips in your quest to move towards more effective parenting : calmness, consistency, a distinct tone when asking kids to follow rules, a low pitch, a slow rate of speech, and a quiet voice.
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