Handling Aggressive Children

What Parents Can Do About Hitting, Kicking, Biting and More

May 13, 2007 Barbara Gibson

In our first article on Aggressive Children, we reviewed the approach outlined by The American Academy of Pediatrics for managing such behavior.

The Academy recommends:

• Talking with your child
• Role playing
• Noticing appropriate behavior
• Offering specific praise when you see the desired behavior
• Modeling appropriate behavior

Like The Academy, parenting expert, John Rosemond, agrees that aggressive behavior should not be tolerated or encouraged. Rosemond, however, disagrees strongly with The AAP advice for managing the problem. In fact, not only does Rosemond disagree with the strategy, he believes it may make the problem worse.

Aggression in children over the age of three, Rosemond contends, is one result of delayed emotional development. Older children continue to behave like toddlers because they have become accustomed to parent coddling and over-involvement that seems to emphasize child self-esteem over child self-control.

For Rosemond, talking to children about misbehavior does not provide sufficient motivation for children to improve their behavior – there is no real consequence. Instead, Rosemond advocates a three pronged approach for dealing with aggressive children. His approach? The SIR or Separate, Isolate, Relocate approach, which looks like this:

Parent or teacher observes child behaving aggressively, i.e. kicking, shoving, hitting…you get the idea. Parent or teacher Separates or removes the child from the setting or group immediately; no excuses, no giving in to requests for another chance. The child is then Isolated from the group and anything s/he finds entertaining or enjoyable.

If the episode happens at school the teacher should call the parent who is prepared to pick the child up and Relocate him/her to the home where the isolation continues.

A few caveats:

• Parent and teacher must talk about and agree upon this approach in advance. The approach will not be as successful unless the child is universally sanctioned. In other words (everyone has to be “on the same page”) if the parent does not pick the child up or does pick the child up without comment or consequence for the offending behavior, the point may be lost. Too, if the teacher gives in to whining and begging for another chance or fails to call the parent the child has no real motivation to improve his behavior.

• Parents must be willing to strip the child’s room of all things pleasant and enjoyable. The point is not for the child to go to his/her wonderland of a room (where is the motivation there?) but to experience an interruption of enjoyment that allows the child to understand the connection between privileges and behavior.

Of course, all parents are not available to pick children up in the middle of the day. If this approach appeals to you, modify it so that it works with your needs.

Whether you choose The AAP approach, John Rosemond’s, or some combination the key is to be clear and consistent. Be sure that your child understands what kind of behavior you expect from him/her AND what s/he can consistently look forward to if those expectations are not met.