Mom has just mopped the kitchen floor when Johnny hurries in from outdoors, his sneakers caked with mud, wanting to share an amazing discovery he’s just made: perhaps a colorful rock or a fascinating insect specimen. How does Mom react? Does she screech in horror and yell, “I just mopped this floor! Is that all you have to do, make a mess for me to clean up?”
According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, professor emeritus of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, if this is how Mom responds, she is not only deflating Johnny’s enthusiasm but also undermining his sense of achievement, but in a worst case scenario, destroying his fragile self-esteem.
What Not to Say to a Child
When it comes to dealing with children, Brazelton maintains there are nine comments parents should never make to a child:
- See, I told you so.
- When I was your age, etc.
- Because I said so!
- Why can’t you be like your sister or brother?
- If you don’t do what I say, I’m leaving you here.
- How could you be so stupid?
- Shut up!
- You’ll never get anywhere in life.
- I want you kids to stop fighting, now!
Why These Comments Are Harmful
Brazelton maintains these comments are harmful for the following reasons:
- See, I told you so.– When children hear this, what was initially an act of independence becomes shrouded in failure and incompetence.
- When I was your age – This statement implies that parents were far more advanced at the same age; subsequently, children perceive this comment as a devaluation of their uniqueness.
- Because I said so – By saying this parents assume the role of dictator, and children react to tyranny with resistance. Moreover, even if children eventually concede, they will more than likely find a way to retaliate.
- Why can’t you be like your sister or brother? – With this comment, parents are conveying that they don’t like the person a child is and want him or her to be like someone else. As a result, the child feels degraded, useless, hopeless, and unloved.
- If you don’t do what I say, I’m leaving you here – This statement should never be uttered because being abandoned by his or her parents is one of a child’s most terrifying nightmares. (Of course, if children have heard it repeatedly, they will simply laugh it off as a hollow threat and continue misbehaving.)
- How could you be so stupid? – This statement burdens children with a negative self-image; and their response is either to fight back by repeating their “stupidity” or by attempting to show the parent just how wrong he or she is.
- Shut up! – Parents might as well slap a child in the face; this comment is that wounding and emotionally damaging. It can also cause children to become defiant, as well as justifiably angry.
- You’ll never get anywhere in life – This comment is devastating to children since it destroys their self-image and results in either their accepting this dictate and feeling hopeless to change, or their going on the attack and returning the verbal abuse.
- I want you kids to stop fighting, now! – All brothers and sisters fight. It’s part of growing up. It’s also part of the learning process, for in order to become close to one another, children must test each other in every way, including physically. Besides, one of their goals is to get a parent involved, and when children succeed, the dangers of sibling rivalry are significantly increased.
When parents say harmful things to their children, children fail to develop a positive sense of self-worth and also come to doubt their parents’ love. Moreover, they never learn to be responsible for their own behavior because their parents fail to establish any positive guidelines or instill in them the desire to act in an appropriate and desirable manner.
Source:
Brazelton, T. B. “How You Should & Shouldn’t Talk to Your Kids.” Family Circle. November 22, 1994, Vol. 107, No. 16.
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