According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, professor emeritus of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, if parents make certain disparaging comments to a child, they risk deflating the child’s enthusiasm, undermining his or her sense of achievement, and, worse case scenario, destroying the child’s fragile sense of self.
The comments parents should never make include the following:
- See, I told you so.
- When I was your age, etc.
- Because I said so!
- Why can’t you be like your sister or brother?
- If you don’t do what I say, I’m leaving you here.
- How could you be so stupid?
- Shut up!
- You’ll never amount to anything in life.
- I want you kids to stop fighting now!
How Children Feel When Parents Say the Wrong Thing
Most parents lash out in anger or exasperation and do not stop to think about what they are saying to a child. Of course, they may regret it later; but "later" is too late, for the damage has already been done. Parents need to put themselves in their child's shoes. Ask themselves how they would they feel if someone called them "stupid' or told them they would "never amount to anything in life." Then they should multiply that feeling a 100 times over, and that is how a child feels: shattered, demoralized, and dehumanized.
The Correct Way to Talk to a Child
Instead of making hurtful comments they will later regret, parents should take a deep breath, try to calm down, and think before they speak. They intuitively know, after all, there are far better ways to respond to a child than in anger and frustration. For example, if parents cannot provide a valid reason to support a demand, instead of saying, "Because I said so," they should simply tell children that they must trust their parents’ judgment and, like it or not, they have to abide by their parents’ decisions.
Parents should, of course, explain to children that certain behavior is unacceptable and why. This way, children will learn not only that the behavior will not be tolerated but also why it will not be tolerated.
Alternative and Less Damaging Responses
Although there are many comments parents can make to a child who has acted inappropriately, some suggestions include:
- A better response than “See, I told you so” is something like “You tried it your way, and it didn’t work, did it? I’m sorry, but that’s the same way I had to learn. It’s not a major tragedy so don’t feel defeated. You’ll have other chances” (Brazelton, 1994).
- Instead of ordering children to “stop fighting, now,” parents should stay out of children’s battles if at all possible. But when parents must intervene, they should explain that it is the children’s responsibility to work things out with one another. If the fighting continues or escalates, however, parents should hold a family conference and allow each child to air his or her complaints; but everyone should agree before hand on certain limits and how those limits will be enforced. This way, parents will be giving some of the responsibility back to the children.
- As for the phrase “When I was your age,” if used in an affirmative manner, the phrase can be an avenue by which parents share their own childhood mistakes and the lessons learned as a result of those mistakes; and by exposing their own youthful vulnerabilities, parents create a bond that helps children feel less guilty and alone.
If parents avoid saying things to their children that can do more harm than good, their children will not only acquire a stronger sense of self-worth but also grow up confident of their parents' love and respect. Moreover, children will eventually learn the merit in being responsible for their own behavior.
Source: Brazelton, T. B. "How You Should and Shouldn't Talk to Your Kids." Family Circle. November 22, 1994, Vol. 107, No. 16.
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