How to be a Good Step Dad
Any Man can be a Father, but it Takes a Real Man to be a Dad
Jun 17, 2008 Stephen Richardson
Being a father is a difficult enough in its own right. Primarily you want the best for your children, and are willing to make sacrifices in order to provide the best. Furthermore, the constant worrying of whether you’re doing the right thing plays on you’re mind constantly. What’s more is the fact that even when you do manage to do the right thing, the worry still remains with you. It cannot be shifted, and either yourself, or society seems to be constantly questioning your parenting skills.
Issues of Fatherhood
These types of issues are hard enough to deal with in their own right, but to hear the words "you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad" seems to be the icing on the cake. The old adage of "any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad " has to be reflected on here, as in most situations when this ultimate slap in the face is heard, you may not in fact be that child’s biological father, but you most likely are that child's dad. You are constantly there for him or her no matter what, have accepted him or her into your heart, and in lots of cases, you’re hearing those hurtful words due to the fact this child's biological father may not be in his or her life.
Difficulties a Step Dad Faces
To be a step dad is hard, and there are lots of difficult issues that arise. The bottom line is that you are part of that child’s life whether he or she likes it or not. However, you need to remember that you are part of that child's life through choice, for the child on the other hand, there is no choice. You are there because you have developed a relationship with his or her biological parent. So although you are willing to play a major part in that child's life, he or she may not want you there, and you don’t automatically qualify in becoming the child's dad.
For children to accept you in their lives and even heart, you will need one key thing, and that is… TIME! Most men make the mistake of expecting this drastic change in a child’s life to happen overnight. The fact of the matter is that it cannot possibly happen that quickly. In a lot of situations, children have just got used to the fact their parents' relationship has broken down, and some children will feel abandoned as a result.
Children in this instance may be experiencing that one of the most important male figures in their lives has gone, and they may feel like this is the norm, and will be repeated throughout their lives. In a lot of situations it is not a personal thing, just a child’s protective measure to prevent further hurt.
So as a step dad, what do you do? The answer is not simple, however can be easier than most people make it. The following three steps are not an exhaustive list, but are a starting point when trying to find ways of becoming accepted in your step child’s life.
Establish Trust
The first, and probably most important, thing is to make it clear that you are not there to take over. The hard truth is that you are not their father, but in time, maybe one day you will become their dad (or at the very least their friend). You need to ensure that you communicate to them that you are a completely different person from their father, and you want to be there for them, even if their biological father is still very much in the picture. They key here is to show them that you respect their mother, and that you are not just a fling, but very much want to be a part of the family.
Unity
It is important to be on the same page as their mother (or father when considering same sex relationships), and a sense of unity is essential. You need to support each other, back each other up, and not go against each other, or allow yourselves to be played against each other. The fact of the matter is that by showing you both are on the same page will show your child that you are both serious about the relationship, strong as a couple, and will not be broken as a result of pressure from that child.
Reliability
Finally, communication and reinforcement that you will not up and leave at the first opportunity that comes along is essential for that child to maintain a sense of stability. You need to remember that even if the child’s father is still very much in his or her life, the child still may be experiencing a loss. This loss may result it the biological parents no longer living under the same roof, either a biological parent leaving the family home, or even the child leaving the family home. Whatever the scenario, it must be remembered that this is a sensitive subject, and reinforcement that he or she will have a stable life needs to be in place.
These are just a few steps that can be taken to make a difficult situation slightly easier. Depending on your current situation, they may or may not work first time round, you may have already tried them, or they may not be feasible to be achieved at present. However, the key is to give it time, and to keep trying; just because you fall at the first hurdle, it doesn’t mean you can’t finish the race.
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