Parents can resolve many of the conflicts and questions they have about discipline by first identifying their discipline goals.
- What purpose do you want the discipline you provide to serve?
- What is the message you want your children to take away from your discipline strategy?
- What do you think is the best method of accomplishing this goal?
Ultimately, the goal of discipline is to teach. Appropriate discipline helps children learn to recognize and choose to abide by limits set in smaller communities (family, school, etc.) as well as larger ones (society).
Providing discipline or guidance is one of the most important jobs of parenting. Popkin advises parents to adopt an active parenting style, "… an authoritative style of parenting that incorporates a variety of respectful discipline strategies, not only teaching children independence within reasonable limits, but also instilling such character traits as responsibility, cooperation, and courage."
Dr. Popkin offers the following discipline advice:
Adopt a democratic style of limit setting
This style of cooperative limit setting, where both parents and children offer suggestions and input about curfew, etc. prepares children to participate in the larger democratic society.
Inviting children to participate in setting rules does not mean that parents have diminished authority, the buck still stops with you. However, inviting children to cooperate instead of dictating the rules with no discussion can make it easier for children to follow the rules.
Children that are encouraged to accept some responsibility for making rules and accepting consequences may be less likely to make inappropriate bids for power (e.g. ignoring curfew).
Use logical consequences to address problem behavior
Again, the goal of discipline is to teach. Popkin offers the following example; a child that uses crayons on the wall instead of on paper should be made to wash the wall instead of stand in the corner.
Cleaning the wall is a related or logical consequence of writing on the wall. Standing in the corner is not a logical consequence of writing on the wall. It does not help the child understand what is wrong with the behavior or why it isn’t okay.
Avoid power struggles by offering choices instead of orders
Whenever possible offer age appropriate choices instead of a flat out "no" or "you must do."
Be sure that you agree with every choice you offer (it is unfair to offer a choice then take it back).
How does offering choices reduce power struggles? When children are free to choose, it contributes to feelings of autonomy or power and reduces the need to exert power appropriately.
Use When and Then Sequencing
Motivate children to do what they must do by tying it to what they want to do. For example, when you have picked up your toys, then we will go to the park. When you bring your math grade up to a B average, then you may have a sleepover.
Want to learn more from Michael Popkin? Tune in next week for Doc. Pop’s final five discipline tips.
