Communication within families and across generational lines has never been easy. Parents are constantly wondering why they just can’t seem to get their kids to listen and children feel their parents simply don’t understand them.
Child-rearing experts and advice-dispensing professionals are plentiful. A cursory glance through bookstore shelves will reveal an abundance of books filled with the results of collegiate research studies and advanced scientific theories on methods for improving parent to child relations. While no one seems to have the definitive answer, there are some general guidelines and helpful practices that parents can utilize if they wish to develop, and maintain, better communication with their children.
Talk With Kids, Not At Them
Listening to what someone else has to say, as well as expressing one’s own viewpoint, is a vital communication trait that everyone should learn to adopt when conversing, and not just with children. Inasmuch as discussions between parents and children have a strong tendency to devolve into one-sided lectures, this is one piece of advice that ought to be carefully considered. Though well-meaning and well-intentioned, many parents talk at their children instead of talking with them. The child is often put on the defensive without having the option of rebuttal.
Engage in Two-Way Communications
Children need to know that their feelings are valid and that their perspectives are legitimate. They need to know that they can speak their minds to their parents without censure and without fear of condemnation. This is not to say that children should have free reign to talk back to a parent with disrespect. Engaging in two-way communications allows for children to develop a sense of safety and security in revealing their ideas, experiences and emotions to their parents. Open communication sends a clear message to children that they can talk to their parents about anything.
Be Open About Sharing Feelings
Parents can assist in creating an environment of acceptance by eliciting open communication as early as possible, even before children have well-developed verbal skills. When reading stories to young children, for example, ask them to respond in some way to what they are hearing and discuss their feelings. Talk to toddlers constantly and encourage them to talk as well. As children grow older, pay attention to what they say and listen without interruption or judgment.
Respect for feelings is essential for healthy development of self esteem in adolescents, so parents should endeavor to demonstrate unconditional acceptance of a young person’s feelings and avoid dismissing anything as silly or irrelevant. Parents can also show openness about their own feelings by sharing their thoughts and experiences with their children during family meetings or at the dinner table. Doing so will ensure that teenagers will be a little more open as well.
Be an Active, Concerned Parent
From the moment children begin socializing and making friends outside of the family, they begin to form their own separate identities, pull away, and become influenced by others. At this time, many parents start to feel left out and could become distanced from the day-to-day goings on in the lives of their children. As children enter their teen years, lines of communication often get disrupted. If parents make every effort to be included in the lives of their children at every stage, the potential for great disruption may be diminished to some extent.
Parents can be actively involved without crowding their children or taking away their autonomy. Many opportunities exist, such as talking about what goes on at school and helping with homework. Parents can join the PTA, volunteer at a child’s school, or drive the kids, and their friends, to and from play activities. Parents need to also make every effort to show up at school plays or at sporting events where they can actively support their child’s participation and show that they care.
Stay Involved with Teenagers
The teen years are usually the most difficult time for parents who are attempting to stay in touch with their child. Not wanting to cling too tightly, many parents let go too soon. A balance can be struck by making it a point to stay involved with teenagers. Be aware of a teen’s whereabouts and become familiar with their friends. Though adolescents may not want to share too much, or reject being treated like babies, it is important for parents to keep the lines of communication open by being actively engaged.
Let a teen know that parental concern is being expressed out of love, and not out of mistrust, and solid communication is sure to follow. This will indicate that the parent-child bond is vital and that there is nothing wrong with being open about what’s going on.
Children need love and encouragement and, as they grow, they need to be able to come to their parents with any and all concerns and difficulties. The path to improved communication between parents and children must begin early, and be nurtured over time, in order to circumvent the inevitable conflicts of the rebellious teen years. If parents stay involved, express loving concern, respect boundaries, and diligently work to maintain an environment of openness and acceptance, communication within the family unit can be a positively life-enriching.
For more information, see the Child Development Institute website.
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