Parenting by Birth Order
Understanding and Adapting to Your Children’s Unique Needs
As any parent will tell you, brothers and sisters will compete over just about anything. Dr. Frank J. Sulloway, author of Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics and Creative Lives [Vintage, 1997] argues that as children grow up together, they develop opposing characteristics to avoid competing for parental resources. The more children there are in a family, the bigger the differences. While these characteristics are only part of the mixture that makes up an individual’s personality, each birth order position, whether oldest, middle or youngest, has its own benefits and challenges.
Understanding a First Born
“Parents are apt to respond to every whimper with a first child," said Nanaimo, B.C. family counsellor Joan Campbell in a November 2004 telephone interview. "They have a view of themselves as having to be perfect parents.” They also begin to create expectations for their first born. As a result, first born children are usually serious, ambitious, eager to please and tend to adopt their parents’ tastes and values. They are usually careful, conscientious, organized and perfectionistic. With all these desirable qualities, many go on to positions of leadership.
When first borns are rebellious or poor students, however, they are often buckling under the pressure to perform and have given up trying to meet their parents’ unrealistic expectations.
Understanding a Second Born
The second born will usually develop qualities that are opposite to those of the oldest. Joan Campbell explains, “Whatever role the first one has carved out, the second will try to create a different role for herself.” Middles are full of contradictions, inheriting characteristics of both the oldest and the youngest child. They can be independent, but sociable, competitive, but easygoing, and rebels who dislike conflict.
Understanding a Youngest Child
By the time the last child comes around, parents have usually relaxed their expectations. As a result, the youngest child can be disorganized, easygoing, critical, temperamental and spoiled. But the youngest is also driven to compete with her more accomplished older siblings.
The youngest will usually rebel from parental values and charge in the opposite direction, focusing instead on her personable charm. The youngest tends, therefore, to develop excellent people skills, and gravitate toward artistic or people-centered professions.
Treat Your Children Differently
So what can parents do to help all their children feel special? Dr. Kevin Leman, in his book, The New Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are [Revell, 1998] says don’t treat all your children the same. The first born often feels overwhelmed with responsibilities and expectations, so try not to encourage perfectionism. It’s okay if he makes a mistake now and then. Take time to talk with your middle child and ask about her feelings. The middle will often avoid sharing her feelings in an effort to avoid conflict. A middle child will also particularly appreciate a special day or time set aside just for her.
Be consistent with family rules and guidelines, from your oldest to the youngest. Give your youngest some responsibilities around the house and hold him accountable for his actions as much as you would the older children.
Joan Campbell agrees. “I think that’s a really key idea. Each child’s place in the family makes them different. Each child is different. People in the baby position, for example, may be seen as less competent, even into adulthood. Getting to know each child for who they are will start to lessen that rivalry for attention. Sibling rivalry doesn’t ever go away. But having siblings teaches us about cooperation and living with others.”
Understanding Yourself as a Parent
The parents’ birth order will also influence the family. In fact, most parents can relate best to the child of their same birth order. So try to put yourself in your youngest’s carefree shoes if you’re an oldest parent, and encourage your serious oldest if you were the baby in your family. By becoming aware of birth order traits, you can better understand your own and your children’s individual strengths and weaknesses. And everyone can feel accepted and valued for his or her unique position in the family.
Parent by Birth Order
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