Parenting Styles Discussed by Barbara Coloroso
What is Your Parenting Approach? Brickwall, Jellyfish, or Backbone?
May 18, 2009
Many parents struggle daily to create a positive, nurturing, and safe environment for their children. The road parents thought they were on may have turned into something different. Are you still on the same parenting path that you envisioned, or have you detoured onto a road with so many potholes that you can’t seem to move ahead?
In her book Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline, [Somerville House Publishing,1995], Barbara Coloroso discusses three types of parenting styles:
- The brick wall family
- The jellyfish family
- The backbone family
Like any other tidy trilogy, these three styles represent the continuum of parenting methods from the overly stick and rigid to the overly lax and noncommittal with the sought after moderate in between.
The Brick Wall Family
The brick wall family is characterized by parents obsessed with order, control, and obedience. Perfection is the goal and anything less is a disappointment. “I don’t know why you can’t get straight A's like your sister.”
As well, in brick wall families love is conditional. “I know you would never behave that way at school, my child would never do that.” Kids are not taught to think for themselves, “Do you really like that outfit? You look much better in the other one.” Coloroso says children from brick wall families lack self esteem and are often at risk of sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, and suicide.
The Jellyfish Family
The jellyfish family is at the other extreme. Instead of rigidity, it is characterized by lack of structure, consistency, and safe boundaries. “He’s only a child, why should he have to do chores?” In jellyfish families there is often chaos in the environment, a lack of structure and rules, and bribes and threats are often used. “I told you not to wear those high heels, you can’t even walk!” Again, because of a lack of strong self esteem Coloroso says kids are at risk.
The Backbone Family
The backbone family is somewhere in the middle. Coloroso points out the six critical messages parents send to their children in the way they treat them:
- I believe in you.
- I trust you.
- I know you can handle life situations.
- You are listened to.
- You are cared for.
- You are very important to me.
Rules are established and changed as children grow. “You can decide if you go skiing or not, but if you do, you must wear a helmet.” Children receive unconditional love. “I love spending time with you.” Children are taught to think for themselves. “What are some ways you might solve that problem.” In backbone families children are at low risk because of the on-going interactions with their parents that foster self esteem.
Putting Family First
In his book Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, [Free Press, 2004], Phil McGraw says "Understanding style is critical but not enough. To solve problems effectively, you must be willing to adjust and adapt your parenting style to each child's needs, behaviour and temperament."
Moving Toward Moderation in Parenting
Try taking one step in the direction of a backbone family:
- Be willing to admit when you are wrong.
- Don’t use shame to control your child.
- Help your child learn to cope with setbacks.
The reality is that most parents will use a mixture of the above styles. Instead of pressuring yourself to fit perfectly into a moderate style think about moving towards a moderate approach to parenting. If you find yourself being overly rigid one day or lacking firmness another, take a step towards becoming a backbone parent.
Finding Your Authoritative Voice is another way of moving toward a moderate style of parenting that may be used by a backbone parent. When you move in this direction you are giving your child the opportunity to develop strong self esteem and know her self worth while avoiding the risks associated with extreme parenting.
