Parenting Under Pressure
How to Manage When it Feels Like You're Going Under.
Whether you're riding high or feeling low, down with a cold or feeling a bit blue, there are no days off from parenting. So how do you get up and get going? Read on.
As much as we need them, parents don't get sick days or mental health days...at least not when it feels like we need them the most. You know the kind of day I'm talking about, you wake up and your whole body aches or your head is pounding; or you come home from work feeling discouraged, or maybe you're even battling depression.
You could really use a break but instead you feel you need to deal with the usual laundry, homework, dinner, dishes, carpool and everything else that fills your parenting job description.
STOP!!! Parents are people, too. Take the break you need and deserve. The world won't come to an end. I promise.
Here are a few tips for getting through the not so great days without the terrible burden of guilt or self-loathing.
- Decide that its okay not to be a fairy tale perfect parent, they don't exist - I once worked with a mom, Carol who had three children and a job. On top of that, she was going to school part-time. She told me that she was exhausted from her schedule and didn't feel like she was getting the support she needed from her husband. To make matters worse, she had unrealistic expectations for herself at home. No matter how tired she was or how late it was when she got home she still felt like she had to put a full meal (i.e. meat, vegetable, starch, dessert) on the table. After dinner, Carol felt she needed to clean the kitchen AND mop the floor. Serving sandwiches on paper plates and not mopping the floor seemed akin to commiting a crime. That's insane and unhealthy. Yes, we all want to do our best, but our best looks different on different days. Serving sandwiches doesn't make you a bad parent. But being flexible and gentle with yourself may make you a better parent because you're not overburdened by the painful pressure of unrealistic expectations.
- Don't try to guess what your children are thinking - Joan felt guilty about being depressed. She and her daughter had always shared a close relationship, but lately her daughter seemed withdrawn. Joan began to imagine that all the negative things rumbling around her head were also rumbling around her daughter's head. Maybe that was true, but maybe it wasn't. Joan's daughter was 13 and starting a new school. It's entirely possible that her mood had nothing to do with Joan at all. If you don't know what's going on, don't just jump to the worst conclusion. Instead, give your child some space and time, create a safe space that invites her/him to share and try to listen at least as much as you talk. Also, it wouldn't hurt to treat yourself with the kindness and forgiveness you really need right now. Beating yourself up may seem natural, but it isn't nice and it won't make you feel better.
- Learn to ask for and accept help - Yes, we all want to feel needed, but one of the most important jobs for every parent is to help our children become independent. When we help our children learn to do as much as they can as they grow, we help them become more independent and self-sufficient (which builds confidence and self-esteem). We can also feel confident that if we are sick or late getting home that our children will be able to manage because we've helped them build the skills to do so. While you're helping your kids to help themselves, you might also recognize that there is more than one way to get household chores done. So your spouse doesn't do it exactly like you. Give him or her an A for effort and offer your thanks instead of feeling like you have to carry the whole load alone. One more tip: take some time now to put together a list of people you can call in a pinch to pick up or help out with the kids. Whether you're sick or in need of a night out, trust me - you'll be glad you did. If you don't know of anyone consider contacting local colleges, posting on bulletin boards or using a service, such as sittercity.com.
- Share as much as is appropriate for your child's age - My son is six. As you can imagine, he doesn't stop needing, or wanting me to meet his needs, just because I'm sick. When I tell him that "mommy isn't feeling well" or "mommy is tired" it's because I love both of us and I don't want to force myself into a situation that pushes me over the edge. I do better when I feel better, but when I don't feel well what I'm up to has to be enough. Zachary knows that I love him, and I am hoping as he grows that he doesn't come to believe I have to hold myself to unrealistic expectations to prove it. So he sometimes gets microwaved meals for dinner, he also gets plenty of hugs, encouraging words, and a mom that's more human than super. I'm okay with that...and when I'm okay, he's okay.
The copyright of the article Parenting Under Pressure in Parenting Methods is owned by Barbara Gibson. Permission to republish Parenting Under Pressure must be granted by the author in writing.
