Praising and Criticizing Children
Tools for Raising Well-Behaved Youngsters
Parents are expert at "catching" children when they misbehave. They notice rude language, recognize fibs, find muddy clothes jammed under beds – and they react, with criticism, anger, and punishment. When their children are behaving well, though, they may not notice. After all, children are supposed to behave well.
The most effective parents recognize both good and bad behavior. They strengthen the good behavior with praise, and change the bad behavior with criticism. There are only two essential rules for using praise and criticism:
- Praise or criticize specific behavior.
- Say how the behavior makes you feel.
Behavior is Observable
"Being annoying" is not a behavior, nor is "being a good girl." What is he doing that his mother finds annoying? What is she doing to make her father think of her as "good."
Perhaps he is kicking the car seat in front of him. Perhaps she is helping to clear the dishes from the dinner table. Those are behaviors. They can be observed; they can be counted. When using praise or criticism, parents should specify the behavior that draws their attention, avoiding overgeneralization. Peter's mother wants him to stop kicking, not to think his presence is unwelcome. Miranda's father wants her to help with household chores, not to think of herself as a perfect child. The distinction may sound minor, but the effects are cumulative. Specifying behaviors gets results; overgeneralizing does not.
Children Want to Please Their Parents
Children care very much how their parents feel about them, and they need feedback on how different behaviors affect those feelings. When children learn that specific behaviors win their parents' approval, they do more of those things. When they learn that specific behaviors make their parents disapproving or angry, they change those behaviors. Children are happiest when they are making their parents happy.
It follows that children should be told when their behavior makes their parents feel happy – not only when it make their parents feel angry or sad:
- "I feel very proud of you when you start your homework without being told."
- "I like seeing how nice your room looks after you've made your bed."
Offering Alternatives to Unwanted Behavior
When using criticism, parents should be sure to tell their children what they should be doing, not only what they shouldn't be doing. This cues correct behavior, which then can be strengthened with praise. As the desired behavior increases, the unwanted behavior automatically disappears.
- "I feel so upset when you leave your dirty clothes all over the floor. I think you can remember to put them in the laundry basket."
- "I get so angry when you hit your brother! If he does things that bother you, come and tell me."
Naturally, parents must be sure to notice when dirty clothes begin to appear in the laundry basket, and to listen sympathetically when big sister complains about little brother's behavior. Desired behaviors should be praised.
Shaping and Maintaining Good Behavior
Problem behaviors do not change all at once, so parents should watch for and praise improvement. Some clothing in the laundry basket is better than none, so those initial efforts should be recognized and praised – but with a reminder that the parent's approval depends on continuing improvement. Once the desired behavior is started, it has to get better to earn additional praise.
Parents also must know that behaviors that are praised every time they happen will disappear quickly if praise is omitted. Praise that is less predictable is much better at maintaining positive behavior over time.
Best of all, with proper use of praise and criticism, parents will rarely feel the need to resort to punishment – a benefit that improves parent-child relationships and makes for happier families.
Praise Makes Children Happy
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