Review of Liking the Child You Love
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein's Guide to Better Relationships with Your Kids
Jul 6, 2009
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein has a new book available to help parents of difficult children. Liking the Child You Love: Build a Better Relationship with Your Kids -- Even When They're Driving You Crazy is his latest 10-step process resource.
Parent Frustration Syndrome
Dr. Jeff is quick to point out that "Parent Frustration Syndrome" is not a medical or psychological term. Instead, it is a phrase he coined to describe what so many parents are feeling when they misunderstand their children.
These parents are confused by their children's behavior and feel helpless to understand them. They may feel depressed about their situation and have disillusions about it. They feel worthless and inadequate in their parenting skills.
Children are able to pick up on their parent's negative feelings. The relationship becomes strained as they are unable to understand and communicate with each other. The frustration level increases, and the family structure is weakened.
Toxic Thinking Patterns
Parents suffering from "PFS" often suffer from toxic thinking patterns. Toxic thinking goes beyond having occasional negative thoughts. They are much more frequent, tend to be black and white (always or never), and are unrealistic. An example would be "I am such a bad mother! I can never get my kids to school on time!" (Perhaps the situation is simply a traffic jam exacerbated by an argument over breakfast that morning.) Dr. Bernstein identifies nine common toxic thinking or self-talking patterns:
- Looking at situations in black or white, also known as always or never.
- Labeling a child based on a toxic black or white thought, such as "She's lazy!"
- Using constant sarcasm
- Being overly suspicious of your child
- Denial of a child's problems by making excuses
- Overreacting to a child's behavior because of a lack of understanding
- Blaming the child for the parent's frustration and problems
- Making the child feel guilty by always telling him what he should and should not do
- Exaggerating the negative situations surrounding the child, thus leading to lowered expectations of the child's future.
Family Stress and Stress Relief
Adding to the stress of child-rearing is the stress of being part of a family. Parents have relationship stress, whether married, divorced, single, or in a partnership. Work and finances are constant stressors. Perhaps parents are also caring for their own parents. Stress from outside forces contributes to the stress of dealing with children.
Dr. Jeff provides seventeen ways to reduce stress in your life, including breathing exercises, physical exercise, sleeping, taking a break, and more. He encourages parents to write out their frustrations, and provides several exercises throughout the book to work them out. He uses cognitive therapy techniques to gradually retrain the parental brain.
Collaborative Discipline
Once the parent is able to start retraining her brain and control her toxic thoughts, she is in a better position to discipline her child. Dr. Bernstein recommends "collaborative discipline", which encompasses using natural and logical consequences to actions. The need to use consequences and the ability to effectively implement them increase and clearer communication can be restored.
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. is the author of other resource books for parents, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child. Read more of his advice and contact him on his official website.
Bernstein, Jeffrey, Ph.D. Liking the Child You Love: Build a Better Relationship with Your Kids -- Even When They're Driving You Crazy. New York: Perseus Books, 2009.
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