An honest take on how overzealous parents who continually rescue, defend, and do their children's work undermine their self-esteem and ability to fend for themselves.
The pursuit of self-esteem, that nineties' buzzword, persists in today's anxious parents who repeatedly rescue and stage-manage their kids into the winner's circle. And it's unfortunate. Confidence develops when we set reasonably challenging goals, work hard, and either accomplish them or know we gave it our best shot. The essential ingredient is independent effort. Unmerited success doesn't count. Better to fall short. Indeed, as actor Kevin Costner has noted, failure is highly underrated. Journalist Melissa Faye Green agrees, saying, "Failure is not necessarily a bad thing--it's feedback. It provides the needed contrast that makes success all the sweeter when it happens." You agree, right? It's the truth, after all, but still, have you ever . . .
1. Praised your child for the slightest reason?
2. Insisted that a grade be raised?
3. Gone to great lengths to ensure that your child feels good about her/himself?
4. Blamed another for your child's wrongdoing or poor performance?
5. Refused to have your child serve a school detention despite proof of misbehavior?
6. Asked a teacher to offer extra credit or bonus points to bolster a grade?
7. Typed a paper, done an assignment, or worked extensively on a school project for your child?
8. Written a college application essay for your child?
9. Shown up at a job fair or called an employer who didn't hire your child?
If you found yourself nodding in the affirmative once or twice, you've got company. Somewhere along the line, we loving parents allowed our insecurities and fear of failure to override our better judgment, causing us to plug our babies into Baby Einstein, hold off on kindergarten until six, hang every scribble on the fridge, and do our kids' homework and projects. Then we overload them with extracurricular activities and hound teachers and principals for grade changes to beef up transcripts. Why, we've even succeeded in getting valedictorian and salutatorian honors stricken from some graduation ceremonies, so no one has to feel badly. We're unstoppable, even contacting college administrators and potential employers to stem rejections. And for all our trouble, we've earned the label, "helicopter parents." It's not a compliment.
Recently, a mom, protesting her son's C+ essay, inadvertently blurted out, "I worked hard on that paper!" Parental take-overs are epidemic nowadays, sending the unintended message, "You can't succeed without me." The result is dependence and eroded confidence. Self-esteem comes from hard work; there are no shortcuts. Intervening, making excuses, and offering undeserved applause robs kids of their right to take risks, accept challenges, struggle, make mistakes, and, yes, at times, fail. For growth and learning, consequences must be experienced. Yes, even a well-deserved "F" once in a while. It's the only way, but it's not happening. The end result: an unfortunate sense of entitlement and future disappointments. No wonder the Census Bureau found that, in 2005, more than 22 million adult sons and daughters still lived at home; that's fourteen percent of all American families.
Chance it, and we may end up like Shel Silverstein's Giving Tree--a stump topped with a kid who can't fend for himself. Childhood is about making mistakes and lesson learning; we have no right to pocket their shot at it. Better to model the behavior we want to see--no cheating, taking underserved credit, or blaming others. Better to trust in their ability, praise the noteworthy, support good effort, and portray problems as opportunities. Better to let them to earn their own kudos-or not. Truly, to raise confident children who risk failure, keep moving forward, and become productive, independent adults, we must get out of the way.
