Sibling Rivalry for Only Children
Playdates and Saying No Enhance Social Skills for Singletons
Sep 7, 2008
Multi-child parents may think that parents of only children are fortunate not to have to contend with sibling rivalry, but the fact is that battles between siblings serve an important purpose. Although it may drive parents crazy, this rivalry will fine-tune their children’s abilities to resolve conflict and effectively interact with peers.
In today’s society, whether due to divorce, infertility, or career choices, families with only children are on the rise. According to Only Child magazine, there are currently an estimated 20 million families with single children in the United States. One reality is this: these parents will be the primary playmates of their "onlies" during the early years.
Parent-child play has many rewards for both parties. However, the child may not experience the same challenges as she would when playing with a sibling. Skills such as working out how to take turns, share, compromise, and lose gracefully are usually left up to the mature participant. In the latter case, a parent may feel tempted to let the child win during competitive games when a peer or sibling would not. Additionally, the temptation is strong for an adult to always play what the child suggests, whereas siblings may not be so agreeable.
So, how do parents of singletons introduce "sibling rivalry" into a picture devoid of siblings? Here are a few suggestions.
Sharing and Taking Turns
Authors Erin Brown Conroy and Kerrie Berends explain in the article "Tips for Parenting the Only Child" that setting up playdates for only children is crucial for their social development. At first, playdates should be well thought out so that the child will experience situations where sharing and taking turns is necessary. Craft times with one bucket of crayons or pair of scissors will encourage children to practice taking turns. Selecting toys ahead of time that the child is willing to share is very helpful also, and will get the child thinking about sharing. Conroy and Berends further suggest keeping items in a "sharing" box reserved for playdates.
Building Tolerance to the No Word
Susan Newman, author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It -- and Mean It -- and Stop People-Pleasing Forever [McGraw-Hill Companies, November 2005], claims that "yes-parenting" is commonplace. It is so important that only children hear the word "no" occasionally otherwise they may be at risk of developing a feeling of entitlement. The attitude that they should have their way all the time will not go over well with peers. Instead of always giving in to buying toys or candy even when they are able to, parents might try teaching responsibility to their only child by having her earn the money for treats through age-appropriate chores.
Sportsmanship
Learning how to lose is a hard lesson for all children. A child must be taught gently that she cannot win all the time. Playdates with children of varying skills and ages would be helpful so that the child may sometimes experience being a leader (if she is the older or more accomplished at an activity) and at other times develop the desire to improve her skills (if she is playing with an older, more experienced child). The idea of playing with children of varying ages will also closely mimic sibling play.
While many parents of multiples live in dread of their children’s daily skirmishes, parents of only children face the unique challenge of trying to provide sibling-like conditions so that they may enhance their child’s social experience. It is worth the effort. The more a child is exposed to life’s realities, the more she will be prepared for her future.
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