Siblings Fighting Over Toys
Understanding Toy Ownership, Sharing, Taking Turns and Special Toys
Sep 18, 2008
Even siblings that play well together will fight over toys from time to time. Some fight over toys often. In many cases, it is necessary for the parents to understand toy ownership from the children's perspective and to establish basic sharing rules for the household.
Understanding Toy Ownership
Sometimes toy ownership is clear. One child received a toy for a gift and therefore, that toy definitely belongs to him. But, other times it is not so clear. Children will fight for the right to “own” a household toy, each declaring that it is “mine”. As noted in What to Expect: The Toddler Years, most toddlers think that everything within their surroundings belongs to them. As children grow older, their understanding of ownership increases.
However, there can still be disagreements over toy ownership. Siblings may stake a claim on a favorite toy, even if it truly belongs to the brother or sister. Occasionally, it seems as if squatter’s rights apply. If the original owner is no longer interested and a sibling plays with a toy most often, it is easy for that child to begin to assume that the toy is now his. Conflict arises when the original owner has declared that he wants it back.
Siblings Sharing Toys and Taking Turns
In most households, it is wise to establish some ground rules for sharing toys. Taking turns is usually the best way to share toys with siblings who are not in the mood to play cooperatively. Sharing and taking turns can be difficult concepts for very young children. However, Louise Bates Ames, author of Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful, states that by age four, both turn-taking and sharing have become somewhat easier.
Here are some general tips for encouraging taking turns:
- Set a timer for a specified amount of time depending on the toy in question, the ages of the children involved and the intensity of the desire for the toy. Younger children will not be able to wait as long for their turn as an older child.
- Be fair. Divide time equally, but establish the rule based on the patience level of the youngest child. If a three-year-old can wait only five minutes for his turn, make sure the six-year-old has to wait only five minutes as well. Otherwise, your children will be quick to tell you that the rule is unfair.
- Leave room for the children to negotiate sharing issues on their own, but be ready to step in if the negotiations escalate to physical fighting. Also, step in if one child is able to verbally outsmart a sibling repeatedly.
Exceptions to Sharing Rules: Special Toys
There should always be exceptions to sharing rules. Any toy that has a special meaning to one child may be a valid exception and legitimately not shared with siblings. This includes special comfort objects, such as stuffed animals and baby dolls. New toys can also be declared off-limits from sharing rules for a time.
Siblings will fight over toys, either occasionally or often. Parents can help by understanding the child’s views on toy ownership, establishing basic sharing rules for the household and relaxing these rules for special toys.
Sources:
Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway, B.S.N. What to Expect in the Toddler Years. Workman Publishing, 1994.
Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. & Frances L. Ilg, M.D. Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful. Dell Publishing, 1976.
