Problem behavior can feel overwhelming. Instead of trying to figure it all out alone, why not bring the whole family to the table for real solutions that just might work?
Four Steps for Solving Behavior Problems as a Family
Parents face a number of behavior challenges as children grow and pass through the usual stages. Some challenges, such as getting children to bathe, seem more manageable than others. For example: arguing and fighting among siblings; teen drug use, or school failure can sometimes feel like problems too big to handle.
When the problem feels big you can reduce overwhelm by thinking small. There is a proverb that advises eating the elephant one bite at a time. That’s good advice because, as much as you might wish otherwise, you are not a magician – you can’t wish the problem away. So what’s the next best thing? Try using these four steps to work through the problem one small step at a time.
- Name the problem as you see it (avoid describing the problem with words that are blaming or judgmental).
Example: You and your sister have been arguing a lot lately, what’s going on?
Instead of: Why can’t you two get along? I’m sick of listening to all your arguing!
Notice the difference- the first example expresses concern and invites a response. The
second example does not.
- Ask for feedback (this is your child’s opportunity to offer his/her view of the problem behavior.)
- Review expectations and feelings
Example: when you go out I expect you to call or leave a note before you go. When you
don’t leave a note I feel worried because I don’t know where you are).
- Brainstorm solutions (everyone should offer suggestions for solving the problem). Decide together which solution you will try out and for how long. You can come together in a week or so to determine if there has been any improvement, or if you need to explore additional solutions.
You can significantly improve your success with these steps if you:
- Remain patient – Again, the problem is not likely to disappear overnight. In fact, it may even seem to get worse before it gets better. Hang in there.
- Research – Sometimes understanding a problem can make it easier to manage. For example, understanding some of the challenges associated with ADHD can help you develop useful behavior management strategies.
Example: knowing that children with ADHD often find it difficult to pay attention, have
a low frustration threshold, have trouble focusing on directions and difficulty following
through can help families set up realistic strategies to encourage school success.
- Stick to the plan – Once you decide what to do be sure that you follow your plan consistently.
- Encourage yourself – Join a parent support group, talk with a friend and maintain a positive attitude.
