When you adopt the right attitude and approach, step-parenting is more joy than pain. Use the following tips to help find a smooth stride in your new role.
To say that parenting can be a challenge is an understatement; but when it comes to step-parenting, that's when the fun really begins! Don't let your challenges and fears obscure the joys that can come with step-parenting and helping your new family find a smooth groove.
Even if you've stumbled a bit on your step-parenting path you can make some changes now to get on solid (or at least less shaky ) ground.
Here are a few tips that can shine a light on this new (or not so new) and (still) exciting path:
- Talk with your spouse or partner about parenting goals and plans. When you understand where a parent is trying to go it is often easier to make sense of the path. In other words, understanding the reason behind the rhyme can eliminate a lot of the confusion and miscommunication that blended families' experience.
- Share expectations. Talk with your partner or spouse about what you are hoping the experience of step-parenting will be like. If you have had some, why not also discuss your disappointments and how you would like a similar situation handled in the future.
- Hold a family meeting. Talk with children about their hopes, fears and expectations. It is a good idea to continue holding family meetings at least twice each month. Forming a new family can be especially worrisome for children. Inviting your step-children to share some of these worries may help you avoid some trouble-spots.
- Using your ideas, and those of the children, make plans that address as many common concerns as is possible so that everyone feels counted and heard. If you cannot honor a concern, try to discuss why it is not possible at this time.
- Work on developing a genuine relationship with your step-children. It's natural to feel anxious about moving things along, but sometimes building meaningful relationships takes time. We don't always "just click." Invest the time by actively listening, enjoying shared activities or interests, or asking questions that demonstrate real interest, knowledge of the child as a person and real concern.
- Understand that your step-children may need time alone with one or both biological parents. This doesn't mean that your new family doesn't value your company...so try not to feel threatened.
- Never down talk the absent parent. No matter how legitimate you believe your feelings or opinions, it is never okay to bad mouth your step child's parent.
- Follow the child's clues and give space or move closer as it seems appropriate.
- Don't force the child to call you something that feels forced or uncomfortable. If you are not comfortable being addressed by your first name and the child isn't comfortable calling you "mom" or "dad" think of a special name that you both feel comfortable using. For example, I read once about a grandmother, not ready to be called grandma, called Emie instead. Go ahead, be creative.
- Discuss household chores and responsibilities before problems arise.
- Listen with the intent to understand when parenting strategies and philosophies clash.
- Plan couple time. You need time alone. Keep a list of sitters or support on hand so that it is easy to get out at least twice monthly. If money is an issue, check your local paper for free outings and trade childcare duties with another couple.
- Keep trying...it may not be easy but it sure is worth it. If you have an idea that has worked for you, let me know!
The copyright of the article Step-Parenting Pointers: in Parenting Methods is owned by Barbara Gibson. Permission to republish Step-Parenting Pointers: in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
