How to Get Kids Talking
Conversation and Listening Strategies for Parents
These strategies will help get conversations going between you and your child, moving you well beyond those one-word answers you're often met with.
One-Word Answers
You ask, “How was school today?” and hear only, “Fine.” You want to know more, so you press on, this time asking about what she did there all day. Her answer? "Nothing." Nothing? Are you kidding? What about that big science test or the quarrel you overheard with her best friend? And what about that math problem no one could figure out? But you’re too late; she’s already half-way up the stairs. Makes you want to cry, no? Ready for some real talk?
Conversation Openers
The short answer is, back off a bit. Give your child some after-school unwinding time—and a healthy snack, too, like peanut butter-smeared apple slices. Then get busy with your own work—no third degree, no fine/nothing answers. Less-in-your-face is much more inviting. And take advantage of what Laura Session Stepp calls “talking sideways.” In other words, get chatting while prepping dinner, loading the washer, cleaning up together. And don’t forget the car! Talk about the perfect—inescapable—setting for conversations!
And, by all means, don’t start off with “How was your day?” It’s too general. Instead, try something like, “You look tired, great, worried . . . today,” and see where it goes. Get your own day out there, too—not just the upbeat moments, but your decisions, disappointments, accomplishments, and dilemmas. Even a trip to the dentist warrants a mention!
Meanwhile, children are not immune to problems and frustrations—wish they were. And, cliché or not, growing up is tough, maybe tougher than ever nowadays. What’s needed is a safety net; what’s needed is you. Be a trustworthy guide, offering your unconditional support and undivided attention, so that your child will be open with you. And, on such occasions, stop whatever you’re doing, sit down, listen, and maintain eye contact—no distractions, no interruptions. No lectures, put-downs, or “You think you have it hard . . .” speeches, either. Another show stopper is saying, “I know just how you feel.” You don’t; you can’t. Instead, validate his concerns and show that you believe he’ll find his solutions—with or without your help, as need be.
Model Constraint
In the mix come conflicts, too, often because you must protect your child’s health and safety, occasionally nixing her plans and choices—and setting off sparks. That’s the time to count to 100—ten won’t do—keeping frustration and volume in check. It also saves you from letting hurtful, hard-to-take-back phrases like, “And I wish you’d never been born” slip out. Sure, it’s hard not to get emotional and raise your voice, but a wise soul once said, “Shouting to make your child obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you’ll get the same result.” It bears remembering. And don’t forget to apologize when in the wrong.
Modeling Good Behavior From the Beginning
In other words, poke holes in the silent treatment and get more than one-word responses to your need- and want-to-know questions. The answers you’re seeking require conversations, and the only way to get there is by modeling the behavior you want to see, being available with a ready ear, and reserving judgment. Forget about sneaking a peak at notes and emails, raising your voice, or hurling threats. Set the ground rules early on, keep expectations high, and be generous with your love and kindness. Your child will take her cues from you; be her trusted confidant and get talking.
