Teaching Children about Death and Grief

Children Can Learn about Grief and Dying from Teachable Moments

Jan 9, 2009

For a child learning how to cope with loss, with death and with grief are some of the most important life lessons that parents, grandparents, teachers can teach them.

For many children, the first loss they may experience is the death of a grandparent or a pet. The death of a treasured pet may be more real for many children than the death of a distant grandparent.

One simple way for children to learn about death before they may be exposed to a death is for parents to take advantage of the teachable moments in life that present themselves, like discovering a dead bird or dying plant.

Using Teachable Moments to Teach Children about Death

A teachable moment is a brief instant when something happens that causes a child to be uniquely and specifically interested in a particular thing or idea and more likely to learn something. A teachable moment is a special educational opportunity.

Teachable moments occur unexpectedly. Children's grief expert Phyllis R. Silverman points out in her 1999 book, Never Too Young to Know [Oxford University] "We cannot always chose our moments. Children raise questions as they think of them and when they are ready. They ask questions about things for which we have not answers, such as what is death."

According to Silverman, "If these moments are utilized well, children learn to be respected as mourners and that they have a legitimate role as part of their community."

Examples of Teachable Moments

Opportunities for teaching children about death may arise when parents least expect it. Parents should be ready to use teachable moments that occur in conversations about news, watching television, or reading books to talk to your child about death. Teachable moments can be used to explain the parents' beliefs about death and how they may feel when something or someone dies.

There may be a news story in the newspaper, a dying person on a television program, in a movie or a book. Seeing a dead lizard, butterfly or bird in the yard can be used to explain to children how death comes to all living creatures.

Many children struggled to understand death when the beloved Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin died suddenly or when some of the more popular Harry Potter characters were unexpectedly killed. Older parents may remember learning about death by watching Bambi or reading Charlotte's Web.

The death of a family pet is often very traumatic for a child. Parents can talk about how death has ended the pet's life. Being exposed to a death helps children see that death is final and irreversible and that their pet will not come back to life the way it does on television. Parents can encourage the child, plan and carry out a pet burial to cope with the loss.

Teaching with The Circle of Life or Life Cycles

Elton John and Tim Rice helped parents to explain living with loss and death and the circle of life to their children by bringing up the topic in their song, "The Circle of Life" written for the 1994 movie, The Lion King:

Animals and nature can be one of the best tools for teaching children about the circle of life and death providing a wide variety of teachable moments. When out in nature, one becomes more aware of the life cycle, by seeing decay and death, but also by seeing renewal and rebirth. Birth and death are a part of the life cycle.

The changing seasons can be used as a concept to explain life cycles. Parents can talk about what happens with the changing seasons, how plants grow or animal babies are born in spring. Leaves wither and fall in the autumn and plants hibernate in the winter. When spring returns again there is evidence of new life growing from the dust and decay of the old plants.

Create a Safe Environment to Teach about Death

Fortunately, most children, even those exposed to loss and death, are quite resilient. Teachable moments that present themselves can be a good way for parents to explain death and their family's death beliefs to children.

By creating a safe, open environment where children feel free to ask questions and talk about feelings, parents can help their children learn about loss, death and grief.

The copyright of the article Teaching Children about Death and Grief in Parenting Resources is owned by Kirsti A. Dyer. Permission to republish Teaching Children about Death and Grief in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.