Children who fail to acquire the virtue of patience grow up to be impatient adults. Impatient adults are short-tempered and often ill-mannered. They can be very bossy, but lack any real leadership skills. They spend large parts of their lives feeling angry and upset, and they have few close friends. These are not the kinds of lives parents want for their children.
Most programs for teaching patience are aimed at the parents of toddlers, so the parents of older children may think it is too late to start. This is not true. Patience is a skill as well as a virtue, and human beings continue to acquire skills throughout their lives. Parents willing to make the effort can help their school-age children – even teenagers – learn to delay gratification without excessive discomfort.
Parenting Patient Children
Nobody ever learned to swim without going into the water, and nobody ever learned patience without experiencing frustration. To be patient, children must develop tolerance for frustration. If parents habitually intervene to "protect" their children from frustrating experiences, children will never develop the skills they need to be happy in a frustrating world. The parent's job is to make sure that circumstances requiring patience are encountered in manageable doses. A small snack beforehand, for example, makes it easier for a child to wait for a table at a busy restaurant. Then, as those doses of discomfort are increased, the child must have help learning the self-management skills needed to deal with them.
Strategies for Reducing Feelings of Frustration
The first thing a child needs to learn patience is a good role model. Parents must remember that it takes a child longer than an adult to zip up a winter jacket, pack a schoolbag, or straighten a bedroom, and allow extra time as necessary. Impatient parents are unlikely to raise patient children. Next, parents must learn to recognize the early signs of stress – fidgeting, facial expressions, body language – and be prepared to help children regain self-control before they act out.
Eight-year-old Kevin just can't wait to frost the cake, but it has to cool a while longer. His mother leads him out of the kitchen and suggests another activity to keep him occupied while he waits.
Kevin will come to understand that removing himself from the source of frustration can be helpful, especially if his mother helps him examine his feelings before and after. Sometimes, though, it is impossible to physically remove oneself from frustrating situations.
There is a long line at the checkout counter, and ten-year-old Amy is showing signs of distress. Her father says, "Imagine what people would do if a bunch of monkeys started swinging across the ceiling."
Amy's father is helping her find a way to psychologically withdraw from a frustrating situation by using her imagination – but drifting off into a daydream is not always possible.
Grandpa, who tells interminable stories about "the old days," is coming to visit. Fourteen-year-old Ryan already is rolling his eyes, so his parents suggest some topics they both might like to discuss – like the upcoming playoff games.
When problem situations can be anticipated, it may be possible to find ways to avert them. If a child is prepared with one or two on-topic questions to ask in a dull history class, for example, class time will pass more rapidly (and grades will improve as well!)
Anger Management
Impatience expressed as anger can be especially destructive. Alert parents will see the early warning signs of anger in their children before the children themselves do, and saying something as simple as "I think you're starting to feel upset" may be enough to forestall an angry outburst. Not only does it show the parent is attuned to the child's feelings, but it helps the child learn to recognize the onset of anger at a stage where it can be brought under control.
Children also can be helped to understand that anger feels bad, and that it's main effect is to make others angry as well. When they see that both anger and its effects are unpleasant, they will be amenable to learning self-calming techniques – like counting to ten, deep breathing, or thinking about something relaxing or funny – that will help their angry feelings go away.
Parents who teach their children to be patient are teaching important life skills – skills that will let their children grow up happier, and lead more satisfying, more successful lives. As children get better at coping with frustration, postponing gratification, and calming feelings of anger, they will need less and less parental support. The process takes effort and concentration, but it is well worth the effort.
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