"I don't get it! I punish him and punish him, and he still misbehaves!"
Parents have used punishment to improve children's behavior for millennia, but it never has been especially effective. Punishment changes behavior, but in ways that are uncontrolled and unpredictable. The natural response to punishment is to find new and better ways to avoid it.
- Seven-year-old Chris is punished for leaving dirty socks on the floor, so he shoves them under his mattress instead.
- Eleven-year-old Jeff is punished for poor test scores, so he copies answers from his classmates.
- Fifteen-year-old Francine is punished for skipping school, so she forges her mother's name on absence notes.
Punishment not only fails to correct poor behavior, it often makes that behavior worse. Punishment makes children dishonest.
Positive Reinforcement, Negative Reinforcement, and Punishment
In psychology, reinforcement is defined by what it does: it strengthens the behavior it accompanies. One may think of positive reinforcement as a reward: Alan wins a trophy, so he is more likely to continue bowling.
Negative reinforcement is not punishment; it is relief from pain or discomfort. Like positive reinforcement, it feels good, and strengthens the behavior it accompanies: Alan has indigestion; he takes an antacid, feels better; and subsequently is more likely to use antacid for upset stomach.
Punishment, on the other hand, teaches people what not to do – it changes their behavior, but does not point them towards any specific new behavior. Parents who rely on punishment are not guiding their children, and often get unwanted outcomes.
The Roles of Negative Reinforcement
Parents use punishment when they feel angry, upset, or frustrated – all states of discomfort. Punishing their children provides them with a sense of relief. They vent their anger with a slap, "blow off steam" with a scolding, or reassert control with some other punishment. That leaves them feeling better – negative reinforcement – so they continue to use punishment in the future.
When children anticipate punishment, they feel anxiety – a state of discomfort. If they lie, and their lies are believed, they escape punishment. That relieves their anxiety (negative reinforcement), and makes them more likely to lie in the future. Logically, the more severe the punishment anticipated, the greater the anxiety; and the greater the anxiety, the more powerful the negative reinforcement.
Punishment for Lying
Punishment eliminates misbehavior only when the behavior is punished every single time it occurs. If, occasionally, the misbehavior is not punished, negative reinforcement strengthens the behavior. When reinforcement is unpredictable – sometimes occurring, sometimes not – it makes the behavior almost impossible to eliminate.
Parents cannot always know when their children lie, so punishment cannot eliminate lying. What it will do is motivate children to become better and better liars, and to apply their refined skills to other situations where lying might advance their interests.
Alternatives to Punishment
Parents must respond when children misbehave, especially when they use deceit to cover up their misbehavior. Most important, parents must learn the correct ways to use praise and criticism to encourage good behavior and discourage poor behavior. The more often children behave well, the less often they misbehave.
Lying is very difficult to deal with once it is established but, with effort, parents can make headway. First, they must model honesty – if children hear their parents lie, they assume lying is acceptable. Second, parents must communicate that honesty is important to them – that they feel unhappy when their children lie, and proud when they tell the truth – especially when the truth is unpleasant.
Children want their parents to be happy – and to make parents happy, children will be well behaved.
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