Most parents do not realize that the words they use have a direct impact on the mental state and development of their child.
Effects of “Don’t”
As a child grows up, he learns through experiences. At times, he may not even be aware that the things he is about to do can actually be dangerous or harmful.
In these instances, parents – with all good intentions – will warn the child against those acts by telling him:
- “Don’t do this.”
- "Do not do that!”
However, for a child to process that instruction, he has to first figure out in his brain what exactly is “this” and “that” before he knows what should not be done. In the process, he ends up doing exactly what he is not supposed to do in the first place.
Illustration 1
When walking near a road, parents will give their child the warning: “Do not run!” In order to comprehend the instruction, the child will first have to work out the concept of running, and in the process, inadvertently proceed to run.
Such defiance infuriates the parents, and at the same time, causes them to worry and panic more. Repeating the original instruction only reinforces the concept of running in the child, which counters the intention of the parents’ original message, resulting in a vicious cycle.
Adopt the Proactive Stance
Instead of using the negative, a more straightforward and effective way is to convey the message to the child in the positive mode instead. Specifically, tell him to “Do this” or “Do that”. Rather than shout “Do not run!”, it is easier for the child to comprehend and follow the instruction “Walk slowly” instead.
Illustration 2
In a situation where a child may fall, say from a monkey bar at the playground, using the positive mode is more effective in protecting the child. Instead of shouting “Don’t let go!” or “Don’t fall!”, which will trigger the child to actually think of letting go and falling, calmly tell the child to “Hold on tightly”. Meanwhile, the parents can catch the child before he actually falls.
The Mind and Negative Images
What is the rationale for the phenomenon stated above? Actually, it arises from the difficulty that the mind has in processing and comprehending negative images. This is especially so for a child: It is normally difficult for him – or for that matter, anyone – to visualize not doing something.
It is more natural to find the word for what one wants to do, and proceed to visualize that. As such, the internal image generated from a negative approach usually ends up triggering the very action that is to be avoided.
Accentuate the Positive
The same concept applies when it comes to breaking a child’s bad habits or building up good behaviour. Rather than chiding and telling him, for example, not to leave his toys all over the house, it is more effective to remind him to keep his toys in the toy box.
Over time, as the positive message is repeated, it becomes reinforced in the child’s mind, especially if he is duly rewarded or complimented for doing the right thing. This in turns contributes towards the development of good habits in the child. In the larger context, this method can be used as a component of positive discipline.
So, parents, refrain from using "don't" on your child. Instead, encourage him with the word "do". Eventually, those things that he is reminded to do will become his natural habits.
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