Toxic Vocabulary and Statements to Avoid
Raising a Child with High Self-esteem and Confidence
Nov 23, 2008
When toxic vocabulary is used on a child, these negative words can really bring down his confidence and self-worth.
Toxic Vocabulary
But:
Everything that was said before this word becomes negated. Any compliment given to the child earlier gets negated by the comment that follows.
If:
This word presupposes that whatever was promised the child may not happen.
Might:
There is nothing defined by this word, leaving the options open for the child.
Would Have:
This phrase in the past tense draws attention to things that did not actually happen.
Should Have:
This has the same effect as the phrase above. In addition, the parent is implying that the child is guilty.
Could Have:
This has the same effect as "would have". In addition, the parent is trying to draw attention to something that did not actually happen, for which he is taking credit for as if it did happen.
Can't / Don't:
These words force the child to focus on exactly the opposite of what the parent wants. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
For example, when a child is told "Don't drop the glass!", the likely result is that he will actually drop it. A better phrase to use is: "Hold the glass tight!"
Try:
When making a promise to a child, using the word "try" presupposes failure. Instead of saying “I will try to come home early after work”, say “I will be home by 7 p.m.”
When a person says that he will “give something a try”, he is actually telling his brain to fail because his unconscious mind had been given permission not to succeed. He will either do it, or he will not.
Promising to try is as good as lying and pretending to put in effort without having any intention to do it in the first place. People – including children – respect honesty, so remove the word "try" from one’s vocabulary.
Toxic Versus Positive Statements
According to Ronit Baras, professional life coach, experienced educator and author, when a toxic or negative statement is used on a child, it takes at least ten positive statements and compliments after that in order to offset the emotional damage done. To build up a child’s esteem and sense of self-worth, parents should keep in mind the 10:1 ratio when talking to and raising him.
This same ratio applies to self-talk and the internal dialogues that give one directions on a daily basis. One should not shortchange oneself with toxic self-talk such as “I am fat”, “I am stupid” or “I am not good enough”. Instead, give oneself affirmative talk such as “I can do it” and “I will succeed”.
Exercise:
- Write down all the words and phrases one commonly uses on a daily basis.
- Take note of all the toxic vocabulary and statements used on one’s child and oneself.
- Make a mental note to avoid such words and statements.
- Find suitable positive words and statements to replace the toxic ones.
- Consciously catch oneself when using toxic vocabulary and actively replace those with positive words.
By tapping on the power of positive talk, one will be able to forge a positive relationship with oneself, one's child and the rest of the world, making it a better place for everyone to live in.
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