Using Temperament to Create Family Harmony
How Knowledge of Innate Traits Can Improve Relationships
Many parents approach parenting the way they approach other tasks. They know what they want from their child and are straightforward in trying to get it: “Clean your room!” “Hurry up!” “Settle down!” But each person has an inherent temperament that influences that person’s life relationships. Knowing about temperament can help family members understand each other and create family harmony.
Nine Temperament Scales
Temperament can be broken down into nine scales on which everybody falls. Knowing how each family member “scores” on each scale can engender understanding, patience and creative solutions even to longstanding problems.
The first scale is intensity, which denotes a depth of feeling that can be difficult if the intense person or other family member is unable to handle it. Small children are prone to difficult experiences with intensity since they often lack the words to express what they’re feeling. Observing which family members are more intense and how they express that trait can help parents give their children the skills to manage intensity in themselves or others.
Persistence is the determination to keep trying. It can be valuable but can also frustrate a parent who perceives it as stubbornness. Very persistent small children may become frustrated because they have not yet learned how to share, compromise or wait. Observing persistence levels in each family member can clue parents in on ways that relationships work (or don't) and how better to solve problems when conflicting persistence levels arise.
Sensitivity is a delicacy of emotions and senses that, at the extreme, is triggered by very subtle stimuli – e.g., tags in clothing, certain scents or busy environments. Less-sensitive family members may minimize the sensitive person’s complaints or encourage her to “just deal with it.” But when parents pay attention to those complaints and entertain the possibility that a sensitive child is not just being dramatic, it opens up opportunities to help the child and create more family harmony.
Perceptiveness (what some call “distractibility”) is often mistaken for hyperactivity or attention deficit. It happens when some kids are unable to distinguish between what is important (e.g., mom’s direction to stay nearby in public) and what is not (e.g., music playing over the loudspeakers). Knowing which family members respond to more environmental stimuli than others can help parents identify how conflicts arise from this trait -- and how to deal with those conflicts.
Adaptability is the capacity to shift gears between activities. Some kids are able to stop playing and come to dinner immediately when called; others will “dawdle” – not because they are intransigent but because they need more transition time. Family members who shift gears more quickly often become impatient with slower-adapters. Instituting earlier warning times and longer change-over periods can easily decrease conflict.
Regularity refers to the body’s tendency to fall into predictable rhythms of eating, sleeping and even moving bowels. When only some family members are “regular,” discord can occur. Maybe the parents need breakfast at 7:30 every morning, but the children are only sometimes hungry at mealtime. It is possible to accommodate people who need stringent schedules and those who do not.
Energy level refers to the fact that some bodies have more energy than others. Normally, high-energy children aren’t trying to annoy their parents; they just need more activity than most. Knowing which family members have more and less energy can help parents make better decisions about what to do, when to do it and when to leave so that all family members' energy needs are met.
First reaction is a person’s instinctive reaction to new stimulus. “Naysayers” are often labeled "shy" or "scared" when a more accurate description may be “cautious” or “observant,” whereas risk-takers tend to act before thinking. Both need instruction that provides safety for the risk-taker and encouragement for the naysayer. Parents who are aware of their children's natural reaction patterns can provide education and management to assure both safety and adventure.
Mood is a predisposition to see the world in a positive or negative light. More serious or analytical people may find themselves misunderstood, lonely or unhappy. While their basic constitution cannot be changed, they can benefit from seeing the positive aspects of the things they criticize. More serious family members may need affirmation that their contributions are valuable as well as reminders of life's positive qualities.
Introversion and Extroversion
Overlying all these scales is the degree to which the person is more introverted or extroverted. In temperament theory, these words refer to the source of a person’s energy. Extroverts need interaction with others to build their energy, while introverts need time to themselves to recharge. If each “type” gets sufficient access to their particular energy source, they tend to be cooperative, friendly and happy. If they don’t, they get upset and cranky -- exacerbating any other temperament imbalances that come up during the day.
When family members know who is introverted and extroverted, they can better appreciate, for example, the introvert's need for down time or the extrovert's need to chat immediately when she arrives home from school. If a parent's style differs from a child's, they can set limits without guilt and find other outlets for their children's needs. Even explicitly educating children about introversion and extroversion can affirm their own personalities and give them proper language to take care of their own needs.
All Temperaments are Valuable
There is nothing “right” or “wrong” about each temperament type. Everyone is born with his or her own unique style. But when parents try to change their children’s basic temperaments, resentment and frustration can build. By knowing where each family member falls on each temperament scale, parents can create a more nurturing environment in which their children can grow and thrive.
Source: Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy . Raising Your Spirited Child. New York: HarperCollins, 2006.
Temperament Knowledge Helps Parents Attune to Kids
|
What do you think about this article?
More in Partners & Parents
Latest Articles