Your Explosive Child: Misbehavior
Strategies for changing challenging behavior
Part of the overwhelm in parenting an explosive child is related to the feeling that you just don’t know what to do. Sometimes it seems the problem is getting better and then, seemingly out of nowhere, it pops up again.
The fact is you’re dealing with a big problem. You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. You don’t have to come up with all the answers. Here are some ideas for what you can do:
- The first thing you must do is assemble a support team. These should be people that you can call on for support, encouragement, kindness and perspective.
- Next, if you’re getting pressure from friends and family about your child’s behavior you can:
Choose to ignore it or
Develop a brief statement that reflects your parenting values and plans for helping your child move through this period. Memorize this statement and offer it each time a well meaning observer offers a criticism or comment.
3. Along with teachers and other caregivers, begin an observation period. Over a
period of a month or so make note of:
What came before the behavior
What was happening when the behavior occurred
How the caregiver responded
How your child responded
If there is a pattern
If your child was tired or rested
Your child’s mood leading up to the incident
What purpose you think your child thinks the behavior serves
Other observations that may seem important
4. Have all teachers and caregivers come together with their notes for discussion.
Consider doing one or more of the following:
Thank caregivers for their support and patience throughout this process.
Look for clear patterns that give clues for strategies you can use to help your child meet his needs more appropriately.
Develop a plan that everyone agrees to use (if possible, involve older children in the process where appropriate). Come together in two weeks to discuss your progress and tweak as needed. – In school speak this process is not unlike conducting a functional behavior assessment and developing a behavior support plan.
Use your notes and observations as a starting point for additional research into managing the problem behavior.
Consider consulting a professional. Using your notes look for someone that is experienced with your child’s particular issue. You can get a referral from your pediatrician or the school.
Protect your relationship with your child. It is very hurtful when our children become explosive. Whether the behavior includes name calling, throwing, hitting, kicking or destroying, it is very hard not to take the behavior personally. You have every right to feel hurt. Work these feelings through with your support team. When things have calmed down it is absolutely okay to expect your child to make amends. She can apologize, clean up any mess she has made, contribute money to replace broken or damaged items, etc. Don’t wait too long before you look for an opportunity to reconnect with your child. Choose an activity or setting that is likely to be problem free so that you can relax together and enjoy one another.
