Stay-tuned, future blogs will include reader letter and responses that may be helpful for others. Thanks for sharing.
Hello,
I have a 14 yr old daughter, I love her and I think she has a lot to offer. She has a behavior that is out of control. She sneaks and have the boy over to the house. She uses the myspace, she has put a picture of her and the boy on the website kissing in her room of our house. I have no trust in her due to her not following rules and disrespect. When ever she don’t get her way, she throws this fit and tell me what she is not going to do and what she will do. I am so tired of her ways. She is disruptive, disrespectful and very voiceful. I really can’t understand how to get her to understand that she can’t continue acting this way. I sometimes loose my temper with her due to her ways. I don’t know if counseling would help her. I don’t understand her problem. She states I am over protective. At the times of her not in trouble, I let her go places with friends, that being school activities, skating, and other activities. I can’t reach out to her to get her attention. I feel I am failing as a parent. I want sometimes to put her in a boarding school, but I can’t live with myself, I love her to much. I am lost of what to do.
Dear Reader,
I can hear your frustration and your love for your daughter. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time with her right now. I know that times like these are very difficult, but please don’t give up on yourself – having a tough time does not make you a failure as a parent. I’ll bet you’re a great parent and even great parents hit a rough patch now and then. You can turn things around. A good place to start would be with rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. It is difficult, especially with teens, to enforce rules when your relationship is not on solid ground. You’ve both probably said some hurtful things leaving you feeling hurt and angry. It is easier for teens to ignore, disappoint and disobey you when they are hurt and angry.
Plan a time that is convenient for both of you, when you will not be interrupted; maybe you could even go for a walk or out for coffee. Talk about the current state of your relationship without finger-pointing, simply state how you feel (I’m sorry I said ______ or did _______; I feel hurt when you talk to me that way) you should each have a turn to share your feelings. Without belittling or judging her choices, share your concern about her dating older boys and having company when you are not at home.
List current concerns or problems and brainstorm together about possible solutions. Keep talking and above all listen…you may hear some clues that help you understand your daughter a little better. Things will not get better overnight, but they will get better. You can speed up the process by spending time together, using the 5 to 1 ratio (find at least 5 compliments or good things to say, such as “thanks for remembering the dishes today, or you look nice, or great job on your report” for every correction you make) and setting clear limits that you enforce consistently.
