Parenting Methods

» nima2003 - where should he be sleeping

In response to where should he be sleeping posted by wbrials:
Last year I was in a very similar situation to yours. Although I had no children of my own and my husband had two, a 5 year old daughter and a 3 y.o. son. Unfortunately they were attachment parented and up until then always slept with their mom (which by the way was one of the main causes of their parents alienation and eventual divorce!)

Of course we started out by putting their beds in their own room and my husband sat with them until they fell sleep. But they used to wake up after a couple of hours and crawl into our bed. It was really difficult and non of us could get any sleep. So we decided to put an end to this habit after a while, when the kids got used to the new situation and started to like and trust me as their stepparent which took a couple of months of course.

We tried to spend a lot of quality time with them during the day and make sure they feel emotionally secure enough. Then we explained to them as clearly as possible that the current sleeping arrangements prevents us from having a good sleep and makes us tired the next day and thus we cannot do our tasks well and play with them as often as we want. After they both stated that they understand we told them that they should sleep all night in their bed and they will be welcome to our bed only in the morning for half an hour before wake up time. They agreed and therefore that night we locked the door of our bed room and decided not to open it unless there is an emergency.

Of course this didn't go down so well since again in the middle of the night they woke up and tried to come to our bed again and when they faced the locked door they started to cry and shout and scream and bang at the door with all their might. But we persisted through the night, and didn't open the door, but only answered their calls and from our bed, and in the morning we reminded them of the new rule: "children are welcome just a while before wake up time and the door will be open to them only then. So locked door means it is way too early" they again said OK.

The second night was a bit better. This time they didn't cry much nor they banged at the door, but they were asking us to open the door or making phony excuses to drag us out. We didn't give in again.

So night after night they became better and better and woke up less and less and finally they learned to sleep through the night without any problems. It took them about a month to perfect this new skill which is an essential skill in life, the skill to sleep through the night in ones own bed. We are all having a better night of sleep and enjoy our morning time of cuddling in bed very much.

For those over-careful, and irrationally fussy parents who think because of this "cry-it-out" method we ruined our "sacred bond" with the kids and permanently ruined our relationship with them or something, I must say that our relationship with the kids is better than ever and on the contrary they learned to respect us more and take our rules seriously and now they don't try to manipulate them and find excuses to go around them. Besides they are quit proud of their newly-learned skill and they even brag about it to their grand parents and relatives! If this is not a boost to their self-esteem then what is it?! All kids eventually have to learn to sleep on their own, in their own room and in their own bed and if you don't let them "cry-it-out" ealrier on, they will have to "cry-it-out" anyway sometime later in life, and believe me, the sound or sight of a four, five, or six year old shouting and banging on the door and trembeling in panic in the middle of the night because of this self-imposed (or rather parent-imposed) adictive need of the presence of a parent near them all night, while most of their peers are asleep long time ago on their own, is not at all a prety sight! This is really an adiction and not a real need and their fears are all illogical and imped their indipendence and healthy growth, and not to forget takes away the very legitimate right of their parents to their privacy and intimacy. Why should we keep our precious kids in the bondage of this unhealthy habit from an irrational fear of a few drops of tears which the child will forget about just in a matter of a couple of days. And you will have all the time that you want to prove to him that you love him more than ever just the next day as soon as you wake up!

As for me as their step mom they love me very very much and trust me completely and I even have bonded with them enough to be able to discipline them if needed without fear of having them hate me or distrust me.

So I guess the key is first reaching an agreement about the sleeping arrangements with your husband. Then you have to try to bond with your stepson in other times of the day enough so that he would feel safe and secure with you and his new home and family. You don't want him to think that you took his place and he was kicked out of the room because of you.

Then you have to talk to him and explain to him in a way that a child would understand about the reasons for moving him to his own room.

After all these steps brace yourself for some really rough nights and then do what ever it takes to impose your night rules no matter how much he cries and bangs on the closed door during the first nights. This too shall pass! Believe it!

-- posted by nima2003